Funny Stories
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Here's a few funny stories, because sometimes my life can be hilarious.
- Despistá... (Nov 2006)
- Puerto Rican Temperature Scale (Dec 2004)
- Funnies: a blank sign, a nerdy plate (July 2004)
- New Theory About Men (15 July 2004)
- Damn you, vile I-95 and your wretched traffic jams! (June 2004)
- A prank on Bret (4 April 2004)
- The Insurance Quote (Mar 2004)
- When Matt Bit Justin's Forehead (Dec 2003)
Despistá... (Nov 2006)
[back to top]The word "despistado" is a very colorful and interesting adjective for which I haven't found a satisfying translation into English yet. It means something like aloof, goofy, distracted, absent-minded. Someone who is despistado is someone who doesn't notice things or situations that are entirely obvious to other people.
On more than one occasion I've been told I'm despistada -- or better yet, I've been told I'm despistá, given the Puerto Rican slangish way of dropping the last syllable in a word. I've always been a bit despistá, but in the past week (early to mid November 2006) I've demonstrated it beyond a shadow of a doubt. Three things happened to me that have made me realize just how despistá I really am...
First off, on Thursday, 9 November 2006, I was at work in Goddard, and went to the bathroom. After finishing using the bathroom I went to wash my hands. I pushed on the soap pump and a big glop of soap went into my hand. I then stuck my hands under the automatic faucet... and nothing happend. No water came out. I tried the other sink, and again, no water. So now I'm standing there with a big glop of pink soap in my hand, and no water to wash it off. I grab a paper towel and try to take the soap off my hand, but it just made a bigger mess. Yuck, it was disgusting, the glop of sticky, slimy soap in the middle of my hand... I then had to walk all the way to the other side of the building (almost 1/8 of a mile, or so I've been told) to the nearest women's bathroom, to wash my hands. Luckily the sinks in that bathroom were in working order. The lesson? Always test the faucet before you glop soap on your hand...
Later that day, I went to meet with Cole, my thesis advisor, at his office in the University of Maryland. We usually have weekly meetings to discuss research, so I've been to his office quite a number of times already. Every time we're talking research and he asks me a question, I look at one particular wall to focus on while I think of an answer. I do this mostly because if I look at him I'll start laughing, especially when he times my answers and stares at his watch while I think of an answer to the question. On this focus wall there is a big bookcase, a bookcase that I've seen a gillion times already. As I'm thinking of an answer to a question about observational evidence for mergers of supermassive black holes, I noticed that there are Xmas lights strewn about the bookcase. It just jumped out at me. I'd never seen them before. So I asked Cole if he'd put them there recently. Nope, they've been there for years. And I've been meeting with him in his office for months now, and I just came to notice this now. And the lights are sitting on the bookcase where I focus on while I think of answers most of the time. Cole's reaction? He says I truly am a theorist, because an observer would have noticed this ages ago...
Finally, and perhaps the most blatant proof of my despistaera, on Sunday, 12 November 2006, I woke up and heard that it was raining. I decided to look out the window and see how hard it was raining. I went to the living room and opened the drapes that cover the glass sliding door that leads to my third-floor balcony. As I do this, I notice that the trees behind my apartment are a very bright shade of orange/red. VERY bright. It has been Autumn for quite a while by now, and many trees have already started to *lose* their leaves, and just now I notice these pretty trees behind my apartment. I'm standing there flabbergasted, wondering if I hadn't noticed because the trees *just* changed colors overnight, or because I'm so damn despistá. Then I blamed the drapes. They're opaque, I think to myself, and thus I can't see through them to notice that the trees have changed color. I closed the drapes and sit down on the couch to watch a little TV. Then I looked towards the sliding door, and noticed that my drapes are actually semi-opaque, just an itty bitty little bit translucent, and I can clearly see that the trees are not green but rather some shade of red/orange. Could I have not noticed because I've been plagued by migraines so much that I don't look at my surroundings, or because I'm so damn despistá? I may never know...
And thus, I could not have been an observer because I don't notice obvious things. I am very much a theorist, an absent-minded theorist at that. In a word, despistá.
Puerto Rican Temperature Scale (Dec 2004)
[back to top]Hehe, ok, perhaps this does not apply to ALL Puerto Ricans, but I was having a conversation with my John, and we were talking about relative temperatures. He's a southerner but he lived in State College for three years, so he got used to the cold. He told me that in those three years he decided that 15°F was cold. But now he lives in the Bay Area (California), where the air is very dry and the temperatures are rather "mild" (for American standards). Now he considers 45°F to be cold. Then I started thinking, and I came up with a decimal system for classifying temperatures, from a Puerto Rican's frame of reference (or, at least THIS Puerto Rican's point of view):
| Temperature (°F) | Description |
| 110 | hot |
| 100 | warm |
| 90 | good |
| 80 | acceptable |
| 70 | chilly |
| 60 | cold |
| 50 | colder |
| 40 | more colder |
| 30 | freezing |
| 20 | more freezing |
| 10 | unbearable |
| 0 | more unbearable |
| -10 | impossible |
So yeah, as you can see, anything above 80°F is good for my standards. Once it reaches 70°F, I have to break out a light sweater. Cold starts in the 60s°F, simply because those are the coldest temperatures that Guayanilla, Puerto Rico ever gets. Then we get to temperatures that abound here in State College, PA during the winter seasons. Yes, seasons. Don't look at me like that! There are more than one winter season here! The seasons in State College are as follows: Pre-Winter ("Fall" everywhere else), Winter, Post-Winter ("Spring"), and Construction ("Summer"). So yeah, from 50°F to about 30°F I can handle if I wear three to six layers. Then there are the last four: 20°F, 10°F, 0°, -10° (and yeah, anything below that). These are temperatures that I'd rather avoid. Stay home with the heat at about 75°F (so that the roommates don't complain), and just not even think about stepping out into the cold...
Update (Summer 2005): Oh crap... Living in Central Pennsylvania for two years has totally screwed up my temperature scale. I went to Puerto Rico for two weeks this summer. It was the first time I had been in Puerto Rico in the summer in a looong time. The temperatures were in the 90s (°F) and the heat indices around 105°F (very high dew points causing lots of humidity). I could barely stand it. It was as if now temperatures above 90°F are too hot for me, and 80s are the warm temperatures... I'm turning Pennsylvanian *scream* ... And here in State College we're having a very warm summer so far, and I've discovered that I'm perfectly comfortable when the temperature is 85°F... In any case, my favorite temperature range is now 75-85°F, very different than before I moved here...
Funnies: a blank sign, a nerdy plate (July 2004)
[back to top]Well, this is not quite a "funny story". It's more of a, uh, "funny observation". First off, take a look at this sign that I found on I-80, going from State College, PA to Sandusky, OH (part of my Cedar Point road trip)...
Wow, so much information...
What information can we obtain from this sign? Well, we can tell that the sign is blue. And that it has white edges. And that it is rectangular in shape, with rounded corners. But that's pretty much it. It should contain some information, right? Like, where is the next rest stop, gas station or McDonalds. But no. It says nothing. I must admit, this was not the first time I saw such a sign. It was actually the second. Earlier in the summer, on my little road trip to Williamsburg, VA (the source of my infamous "I hate I-95" rant and consequent reply by a very funny civil engineer), we saw a couple of signs just like this along that most infamous of interstates. We were baffled by the signs. We didn't know why they were there if they had nothing to say! Maybe they were just placed there recently, and whoever is in charge of posting some information on them hadn't had a chance yet of doing so. But how are we supposed to know that? Faced with such a conundrum, we tried to come up with some kind of explanation. Julián suggested that the blank sign was not actually blank. It actually contains a lot of information, but it is not visible because it is in Braille. That's right, Braille. We could distinguish some bumps on the sign, so it seemed plausible, in a creepy, stupid kinda way. But hey, we got a laugh out of it. We all loved the idea. It was hilariously stupid. Just the kind of thing that a three-to-five hour road trip needs, in order for the road-trippers to stay awake... So, when I was faced once more with such a blank sign about a month later, I immediately elbowed Ángel and told him to take the picture. And he did. And so here it lies: The Blank Sign, for all to appreciate...
And now, for the proof that I am not the only nerd out there putting my nerdy personality on a car's licence plate. Take a look at this lovely little thing:
PHY6... Get it? Physics! Hehe hehe *snort*...
I mentioned this licence plate in my 6 July 2004 update. I kept seeing that car in the parking lot and enjoying the plate every single time. Then I decided to take a picture. And then I decided to put it in my webpage. And so, here it is. The other two nerdy plates I saw in Goddard were not as fun as this one, so I didn't take their picture... Come on! PHY6? That is HILARIOUS! I absolutely love it. I take my hat off to the owner of that car with the tremendously nerdy licence plate... Yes, I know, my licence plate can probably be considered way nerdier than this, but hey, this is funny anyway, don't you think?
New Theory About Men (15 July 2004)
[back to top]Vanessa and I were watching VH1 this morning and they were playing the new Avril Lavigne video. In it she's telling the story of this guy who seemed to be 'oh-so-great', but in the end he broke her heart. Now, Vanessa and I seem to be experts in this field, and so we started trashing men. In the process we came up with the "New Theory About Men". It goes as follows:
"There are three qualities that men can have, and three anti-qualities:
| Quality | Anti-quality |
| Good-looking | Ugly |
| Intelligent | Stupid |
| Nice | Bastard |
All men can have the qualities, but they can only have two out of the three. The third spot is reserved for the anti-quality of the missing quality. And so, we are left with three situations:
Case A: A man who is smart and handsome will undoubtably
be a bastard.
Case B: A man who is nice and handsome will undoubtably be
stupid.
Case C: A man who is nice and smart will undoubtably be
butt-ugly.
There are exceptions, however. You *can* find a man who is nice, and smart, and good-looking... That man, however, will undoubtably have a boyfriend already..."
After emailing said theory to a select group of friends, one of them replied with the following question:
That is an interesting theory. What happens in the limit of a man in a particular state as he approaches a deep gravitational potential well? Also, is there a finite chance of a man tunneling into one of the other states throughout a 37 yr half-life? If so, is it only temporary? (Justin Crepp)
And so, I responded:
Well, we have not yet worked out all the quantum-mechanical
details of the theory, but I'm willing to take a chance and try
some predictions.
Yes, I think it *is* possible to tunnel through another state. For
example, a nice and smart ugly dude can get surgery and become a
pretty and smart bastard. Or a nice and cute dumbass can go to
school and become intelligent, but in the process he will loose
his good looks. However, the probability that a handsome and smart
bastard will stop being a bastard is slim. He might get in a
horrible car accident and have his face disfigured and then he will
no longer be pretty and so become nice, but the chances are
tiny.
Also, the theory does not apply to men over 35. This includes
dads, uncles, grandpas, professors, advisors, and the like. This
is a working theory only for the age group between 20 and 34.
The theory also fails for men that are in an effective
"friend zone" with the women that notice the three
aforementioned qualities. The "friend zone" is embedded
in a deep "friendship well" (akin to a deep gravitational
potential well) that forbids the women from ever looking at these
men as potential mates. Ergo, they don't fall into any of the three
categories described before.
I hope this has helped shed some light on that mysterious species known as the "young human male".
Disclaimer: Neither of us (me and Vanessa) have anything against men. On the contrary, we like men too much. Hence the whole deal about us being experts on the subject of seemingly oh-so-great guys who end up being heartbreakers... This "theory" is for entertaintment purposes only and should not be taken seriously... In other words, we're joking, people! It is a joke, a very funny joke indeed. So laugh. Come on, you know you wanna...
Update (late 2004): Ok, I have to admit it. The theory is flawed. I never thought it was possible, but there actually exists one particular male specimen which has all three good qualities (he's very handsome, he's very nice, and he's very smart), and he is not gay, and he is not a bad pixel nor a flawed data point. And not only that, but he also has all the additional good qualities that you could ever imagine. He is real, he is unique, he is the one and only contradiction to the theory (at least to me), and he makes me the happiest I have ever been in my entire life. Therefore, I have to put my sarcasm aside and say that not all men are bad (:-P hehehe), because this guy is pure gold...
Damn you, vile I-95 and your wretched traffic jams! (June 2004)
[back to top]Like I said in the 28 June 2004 update, I now hate I-95. That stupid interstate was packed with non-moving traffic. A three-hour trip took five hours. I definitely should have taken a different route to get from College Park, MD to Williamsburg, VA. It's not actually that funny to drive for five hours with five people in a Honda Civic, and two of those people being over six feet in height. Incredibly uncomfortable. Not funny when going 10mph on a 65mph zone... However, my dear friend Andy Bossi wrote me an email with a very very funny reaction to my "I hate I-95" rant. And since it was soooo unfreakinbelievably funny, here it is...
HAAA HA hahaahaah HA HA ha ha HA HA HA HA haha ha AH HA HAAaaaaaaaaaaa to you ever attempting to travel on the infamous I-95. Allow me to further elaborate on something that nearly every single person on the eastern coast of these United States knows: NEVER TRAVEL ON I-95. Even if you are bleeding profusely and the hospital is 20 feet away, if you take I-95 the trip will still take approximately eight hours. Alright, you're an astrophysics person -- you could write a thesis on this: I-95 is the very location where space-time breaks down. It is relativity in action. A three-hour trip magically turns into five hours. If you can figure it out, I bet the honorary doctorates will begin pouring in. Moving 10mph is actually pretty fricken fast on that highway. Not only does the highway span across states notorious for stupid drivers, but it goes through cities which just generally have dumb people, anyway. Plus it is under construction every single day; and they close everything down to one lane even if they're mowing grass in the median or dedicating a statue in San Francisco. I swear they close down the highway just for fun. Okay, I think it has now been thoroughly ingrained within you to never ever take that highway again. Walk if you must.
So there you have it. Extremely funny, or at least I consider it so. He should quit engineering and go do stand up comedy through email :-P
A prank on Bret (4 April 2004)
[back to top]So me and Justin are in 445 Davey. I'm waiting for SExtractor to finish making the catalog of sources from the HUDF for Jane's homework (which just so happens to be due the next day), and so we're talking. I told him of this prank that I heard of and he liked it, so we go find someone who might fall for it, someone with a sense of humor... Aha! Bret! Excellent... So we go to 443 and grab two plastic cups and fill them with water...
Justin: Ok, now I'm gonna put this cup of water on top of
your hand (puts cup of water on top of Bret's hand). Does this
hurt?
Bret: No...
Justin: Now I'm gonna put this other cup on top of your other
hand (puts other cup on top of other hand). Does THIS hurt?
Bret: No...
Justin: Ok, see ya!
And so we run the hell outta there...
Hehehe, he has two cups full of water on his hands... Awesome,
awesome prank, bwa-ha-ha...
Hehehe, so now Bret's hands have two cups of water on top and he cannot move because he will spill water all over the place... And what did Bret do, you might ask... Well, he pulled his hands really fast, trying to do something like the magic trick where you pull out the tablecloth without moving anything that's on top of the table... But Bret's no magician... Hahaha... Big puddle of water now on the desk and floor, hehehe...
Sorry Bret, the prank turned out too good to not put the story up here... And hey, it was all good clean fun, don't you think? Come on, you know you liked it, 'cause it was very very funny ;-)
The Insurance Quote (Mar 2004)
[back to top]I have been looking into buying a car. Therefore, I have also been looking into getting insurance. I was calling around some insurance companies to get quotes, and this is the conversation with the insurance agent of one of the companies I called (I can't remember which company it was):
Lady: How old were you when you first got a US issued drivers
licence?
Me: Well, I got a PA drivers licence about six months ago,
but I've had a Puerto Rican licence since I was sixteen.
Lady: Very well, hold on for a second... (pause)... I'm sorry
ma'am, but the Puerto Rican licence does not seem to count as a
US issued licence...
Funny, 'cause if it didn't, then six months ago when I wanted a PA licence, I woulda had to take the driving test and all other stuff, which I didn't. I just gave them my old licence and they gave me the new one, as any other person moving to another state would when getting a new licence...
Lady: So ma'am, I'm going to have to put you down as a high risk driver, because you have had a licence for a period less than a year.
So this means that the insurance would be more expensive... Although I have been driving since I was sixteen, so you know, like six or seven years already... And last summer I rented a car in Maryland, and I drove using my Puerto Rican licence... so yeah, something must be wrong... Then, a little later in the conversation...
Lady: Ok, I am now checking your driving record. Do you
recall an event in late 2002, and what can you tell me about
it?
Me: Well, I got a speeding ticket.
Lady: And how many miles per hour above the speed limit were
you charged for?
Me: I don't remember exactly, but something like 70 on a 55
zone...
Lady: Very well, this will probably increase the insurance
quote a little bit...
So now I'm thinkin... Wait a minute! This happened in Puerto Rico... and I was using my Puerto Rican licence, which aparently doesn't count... Sooooo...
Me: Excuse me, but when I got the ticket I had my Puerto
Rican licence, so this really shouldn't count, right?
Lady: Hold on... (pause)... No ma'am, it does count, because
it appears on your driving record...
So by now, I am very confused... It doesn't count that I've had a licence for almost seven years because it is a Puerto Rican licence, which makes my insurance quote more expensive, and yet it does count because I got a speeding ticket two years ago, which also increases my insurance quote... That's bureaucracy for ya...
When Matt Bit Justin's Forehead (Dec 2003)
[back to top]Well, I'm writing this on September 2004, but this happened on December of last year (2003). I had not really thought about writing this story, but it is SO funny that it deserves to be here. And now that Justin and Matt are gone (Justin's in Florida and Matt's in Stanford), then all the more reason to remember all the funny, quirky, weird stuff that happened when they were here. Enjoy the story!
It was the day of the Astro 501 final. Matt, Justin, Judy, Brendan and
I were in Room 530 (possibly PC, Cristian and/or Steve were there too,
but I can't remember very well by now), and we're doing some last
minute cramming for the final. Around noon, I get hungry. It's cold
outside, there's snow everywhere, I'm sleepy, I'm tired, I have cramps,
I'm afraid of the final, and now I'm also hungry. I'm thinking of going
to the HUB and grabbing some food at Chick-Fill-A. So I ask Justin if
he wants to come along and grab lunch. Seems like a pretty good bet,
since Justin's always hungry and he's always up for getting food,
hehe. So he and I go to the HUB and have lunch.
When we're done with lunch and go back to Davey Lab, we get to the
lobby and wait for the elevator... And wait for the elevator...
And wait some more for the elevator... The thing is taking forever!
So Justin, who's always very impatient, decides that we are not waiting
for the elevator anymore, and we are going up the stairs... We have to
get to the fifth floor. I do NOT want to go up five flights of stairs.
Justin, of course, calls me a wuss and pulls me along to go up the
stairs. He starts to run up the stairs, and I slowly lift my foot and
start moving against the gavitational force and up the stairs. I'm
slowly increasing my gravitational potential energy by doing a lot of
work climbing the stairs. Justin yells from upstairs "Come on!
Geez, you're so slow! Hurry, hurry!" Argh...
Ever so slowly, I finally reach the fifth floor. Once I get there, I'm
out of breath and my legs hurt. Even though I usually really do dislike
going up stairs if there's an elevator as an option, I'm not really
that bad all the time. This day in particular I was sleep-deprived
from all the studying for the finals and I was on my period, so my
whole body hurt in general. Also, I was wearing like six layers of
clothing, which can get quite heavy and prevents some motion at
times...
So anyway, I get to the fifth floor and Justin is standing there
besides the door, jumping up and down. As I walk towards the door,
Justin says "See? It wasn't that bad", to which I replied
"Not that bad??? Geez! I'm all out of breath now!". He then
says "Wuss!", and slaps me in the ass! You know, a sorta
football/basketball player kind of slap in the behind. I gasp and give
him a look that screms "I'm gonna kill you!", and then he
starts running. I then run after him, as fast as I can...
Justin runs in the hallway, screaming "You can't catch me! You
run slow!", and I'm running after him. We approach the corner
(the hallway is shaped like a square). As it happens, Matt is on the
other side of the corner, coming towards us. He can hear us coming, and
so he plans on surprising us, or scaring us, or something... I keep
running after Justin and I finally catch up to him. I try jumping on
his back. He ducks a little bit. We're right at the corner. Matt
arrives at the corner at the same time. Matt wants to say
"Boo" or something, and then... Matt and Justin collide! More
specifically, Justin's forehead collides with Matt's open mouth. Even
more specifically, the top right part of Justin's forehead collides
with Matt's front teeth...
At that moment, the three of us fall silent. Then we break up in
laughter. Matt is holding his mouth, Justin is rubbing his forehead,
and I'm rolling on the floor laughing my ass off. We slowly walk to
Room 530. When we get there, we're still laughing, Matt is still
holding his mouth, and Justin is still rubbing his forehead. Judy
looks very puzzled by all this, understandably enough. We explain,
and she starts laughing too! Then we look at Justin's forehead, and
there's a big bite mark left in there. We then look at Matt's mouth.
He's not bleeding or anything, but he says it kinda hurts... Keep
in mind that in about an hour we have the 501 final, hehehe...
So that's the story of how Matt bit Justin's forehead. Very funny stuff indeed. We still laugh everytime we remember. Oh, and we all did fine in the final that we were cramming for :-)
Last Updated: 9 February 2008
